The One about Hershey’s Kisses,Mascara, Riley and Energy

The bruising will shatter.

The bruising will shatter into black diamond.

No one will sit beside you in class.

Maybe your life will work.

Most likely it wont at first

but this will give you poetry

from Poetry by Yrsa Daley-Ward.

So here is the thing. I am weird. In fact I am very weird.

I cry at weddings even when I do not know who was getting married. I cry when babies do cute things. That is a recent thing though, I have no idea where that one came from. I cry when I am angry. I cry when something makes me laugh especially when it has been a minute since I actually felt that joy so good you can feel it in all your nerves. I cry when I am stressed. I cry when I am overwhelmed- for this I reference my final year Undergraduate Research Project. Enough said. Also I cry on my period. Now that is the crazy one because at that point anything can have me on full out torrent of tears mode- even chocolate. Chocolate, certain times a month can send me into a full out storm. Can you imagine that?

And well I used to feel that this was something to be ashamed of.  Pre-puberty I thought my sadness was something to be ashamed so I’d cry and feel bad about it and then cry some more because I feel bad. But then puberty happened and the fear about feeling things got worse so I learnt not to cry in public which made me sort of hide it by this glass wall of nothingness. Which isn’t exactly a good thing because that made me very snappy. You can only hide behind glass walls for so long after all.

But then the beauty about growing up is the knowledge of self I have gained over the years.

Post puberty I have become aware of the things that make me cry. And as the days pass I am starting bit by bit not to be ashamed of them. See, I feel things way too much.That is just how I was wired. Also I am a leo. We are the kings of feelings. Literally. I am affected by negative things. I feel the sadness and have this tendency to smell it and live it from miles away even before it lands. I feel anger. I feel envy sometimes and I also feel insecurity a lot of the times. And these make me cry because they are bad energy and the thing about bad energy is that it needs to be let out.

But then I also feel happiness. I get excited about things way before they happen and I am over the moon. And then when happiness finally comes, MY GAAD it is unbelievable. Sometimes I even lack sleep because I am just up basking in the beauty of that joy. And most times I smile. I smile a lot and I get jumpy- some one told me I am like a bunny on steroids because of how I jump all over the place. And I love that feeling when I I get to let the sunshine out. Because positivity is good energy and good energy is uncontainable.

And then sometimes I am just numb. And maybe sometimes the numbness is because of not fully allowing myself to release the bad energy or to bask in the good energy. And that is not okay because these emotions were put inside me so they can be felt. In feeling them is the opportunity to let go and letting go creates that lightness needed to move on with life and continue enjoying it.

I am at this point where I am aware that being an adult sucks. I hate the responsibilities and having to act some way just because it’s the right thing to do. I honestly miss that ability to do whatever the fuck I want just because I am child and whatever! But my favorite part about being an adult is this knowledge of self I keep gaining. As I get older I am aware of how I feel. I may not fully understand why I feel it but I know. And now that I know I am not scared of feeling the way I do. In fact I am learning to be proud of this ability to feel things a little more than everyone else. Lately I have been rocking it. I am a writer and I have realized that part of the reason why this writing thing works for me is that I get to express these very intense feelings. And after taking my writing a bit more seriously this year, I now know that some of my best work comes from that very intense place of writing. So watch this uber-emotional space. That Caine Prize story is just hidden there waiting to be uncovered and I cannot wait to find it.

I am also learning to protect my energy and the people I let near it. Not everyone will understand it or embrace it.  Some people are in your life for a season and others for a reason and there is nothing wrong with letting go of those whose energy seems to conflict with yours. It is not because they are bad people, it’s just because at that time their energy just wasn’t working with yours. I believe time works everything out and if they are truly meant to be in your life then maybe just maybe their energy in its right form will find its way back to yours.

Anyway enough about that. This entire post was inspired by the movie Inside-Out. It is an animation which (and this is no surprise) had me bawling. By the way thank you Maybelline, my mascara actually  stained my pillow case, I should claim a refund because isn’t this shit meant to be waterproof? But I digress. Sorry. See I write a lot about depression and feelings because for me those phenomena are very real. Depression is a fight I know too well and though I know I have won the war, the battles can take their toll. So without divulging too much let me end this by saying that if still you do not understand the concept of some people having days when it takes a little extra effort to get themselves out of bed every morning, well this movie breaks it down in a manner I think even a 10 year old can understand. And also if you are at that point where the Depression Struggle is a little too real, well Baby it is for a season. And this movie will help you understand more and more importantly it may just give you that reassurance to let you finally soak it in and stop fighting it because if you just let the storm pour for just a minute, the sky will clear up and you will be okay. So sweetie watch it too.

Also if I wasted your time making you read the preceding 1000 words because they do not make sense to you at all, well watch it too. I guarantee you will laugh once or twice.

Basically everyone should just watch the damn movie.

Finally I understand a little more about why I cry. And I understand why for there to be happiness, sadness must prevail. I still do not understand why babies doing cute shit makes me cry. Or why a Hershey’s Cookie and Cream Bar makes me cry on my period. But well each day is a learning experience. We will figure it out one sweet day.  Most importantly I am learning that at the end of it all, I will be okay.

“Take this good advice
If they’re gonna judge you for life
Say we can’t always be fly
We gon’ be good long as them sneakers white
You’ll be alright
Said you’ll be alright
Said you’ll be alright
Said you’ll be alright”

The White Shoes- Wale

Image from Google Images

HER SELFISH YEARS- Part 1

21.

Two decades ago a female clothed in milk chocolate surfaced on this here planet.

A Leo, she embodies some of the strongest traits associated with this zodiac.
She is fire, although sometimes the flame is reduced to a mere glowing ember.
Super sensitive.
She wears her feelings as her favorite accessory and flaunts them through her writing.
As ambitious as they come, she dreams and occasionally, she has been known to follow the dreams like they are her religion.
Sometimes domineering, she doesn’t always take the lead but Lord when she does, the other subjects better step aside.
Stubborn she is. But the gods did the world a favor and blessed her with a mild dose of being a liberal. She will take you as you are, if you first do the same for her.
She is vain. And this is the side some of them may see because the pride in her wont let the world see the brokenness she sometimes conceals.

She is fire.

But she breathes ice.

She is sugar.

But in her fantasies, she oozes spice,

She falls into vacuums of grey.
Still, she loves her world colored in shades of everything nice.

And she, she allowed herself to turn twenty one.

She didn’t want to.

But then again when did a Leo ever welcome change with open arms?

But then 21 came and brought with it the calming re-assurance that whatever it had in store would be beautiful. One way or the other.

See, she had been nursing some scars but Miss Chocolate Leo became her own muse for the first time. For the first time she came face to face with the ghosts of being un-pretty she had tried so hard to exorcise. She stared at the perceptions that taunted her in the past and said,

“…you know what fuck you. I am beautiful. I will be beautiful and I do not need someone else to define for me what that is.”

 She allowed herself to be her own muse. And loved every minute of it.

And then 21 told her there is more. 21 told her she can push the boundaries. So 21 told her to play the realest game of pretend ever. So she entered a real company and played employee despite her gross under-qualification for the post. She learnt confidence. She learnt hard-work. She learnt that bravery is that muscle gained when only after daily practice. She learnt she can be more. She learnt that maybe the whole school thing isn’t such a waste of time.

But see 21 wasn’t done with her. 21 reminded her of her little star and 21 was the time to let it shine. So she dared to share a platform with the greats. Amateur though she was, 21 told her that by engaging with her kind-overthinkers with a love for words and poetic imagery- she could find a place she can belong. So she did. She dared her little star of talent to shine. She dared to subject herself to editors and deadlines for posts and she fell in love with her gift even more. And while she waits for the world to fall in love with it too,21 told her sometimes the effort to use the gift is more than enough.

21 didn’t turn out to be exactly what she wanted it to be, but it surely was infinitely beautiful.

21 had her finding beauty in nature.

21 had her finding beauty in others.

21 had her finding beauty in herself.

21 had her finding beauty in life.

And when she looked beyond everything that 21 was meant to be but wasn’t, she realizes that 21 did her just fine,

So here is to 21. To how infinitely beautiful it was.

And to 22-whatever happens it could only get better. Eventually.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR CHOCOLATE LEO, THANK YOU FOR CHOOSING TO HOLD ON A LITTLE LONGER.

xoxo

Who am I? Really?

I never thought a day would come when my brain would rather think of writing pieces that revolve around me and not about fictional people I wish I knew.
But I guess that’s just how it is. One day you love fiction and telling stories about others and the next you become this vain person whose favorite subject is yourself.
So this is me putting it out there that I am vain. Very.
I can spend hours making trips to the mirror just to look at myself and I take only a trillion selfies when I feel pretty.
But the most vain thing about me is that I AM MY OWN MUSE.
Everything about me seems to inspire me to write.
I write about myself when I am in love or lust or something in between.
I write about me when I am sad.
I write about me when I do something good.
I condemn myself when I feel I have not been a very good human being.
I write about my beauty and my insecurities.
I write about my dreams and my feelings.

I write about what I love.
I write about what I hate.
I am insanely fascinated by me so of-course my favorite topic to write about is ME.
Yes, vanity is real. Don’t judge me. Or Kanye. Or all the other vain people in the world.
We don’t want to be this way but we can’t help the fact that we find ourselves so amazing.

But as I write about myself, the one question I constantly grapple with is who I am.

On some days I feel inspired and ready to take on the world, does that make me an alpha type of person? The truth is due to some serious genes I have classic serious Choleric tendencies. Sometimes.
But some days I want to do not a damn thing at all. I want to just sit around watch life pass me by and just be in my lazy happy place, am I hippie? The true phlegmatic. Some days that’s who I am and who I wish I could always be.
And sometimes I become this Melancholic Person. The poet inside me prefers quiet,lonely time so that the creative juices can go crazy. That person thrives in silent spaces that allow me to be in touch with my deepest feelings.And I am in love with her.
But some times there is also this wild, full of energy fun-loving persona I become. In fact for some people that is the only person they know because they bring her out. And I love this version too.

And that’s where I get confused because society expects us to be one thing and I am these four people and infinite shades of what lies in between so that’s why the question comes up, who am I?
Really?

See,what I love about being alive is the fact that each day brings endless possibilities to exist in whichever way seems appropriate at that moment. Life means today I can wake up and decide to be this strong leader commanding the masses to move whichever direction I want and tomorrow I can choose to be the follower hiding unnoticed in the shadows.

Yet society does not appreciate this.

The society we live in insists on putting everyone in these boxes and condemning those who do try to get out of them.
If you are a leader you are expected to be one always even when you do not feel like being one. People do not believe in giving others breaks.
And if you are a bad, you are a branded a bad person even when you do try to be good you can not because the box society puts you in dictates that no good can ever come out of you. Ever.

I may have been a victim of this. And I may also have been a perpetrator of this.
Because at times it is not always easy to accept others for who they are and not treat them differently when they exercise their right to exist freely.
But because I was or can be both does not mean that is who I am.
I am good and bad and happy and sad and pure and impure and all these things. Who I am at one point is not who I will be.

My being is a complex totality of all these things I choose to be and I am happy to live as this complexity.

Everyone has this right too- to be who you were not yesterday and to again be someone totally different tomorrow.
The fact that you are a human being living your life in a way that makes you happy does not mean you are bad. You are just human and the world should respect you for being this.

So again I ask the question, who am I?
Really?
Truth is I don’t know.
And I am not even going to try to figure me out.
I am simply Me, Whoever Me is at the moment.

The only thing I am sure of is I have learnt not judge you for being you. So go ahead and do you. Whoever or whatever you want to be at the moment.

Scripturient Addictions

Let me tell you who this one is for.

This one is for you if you may possibly have tried other drugs but are convinced beyond any doubt that no material stimulant can ever take you to the cosmic levels of elation that the simple act of putting pen to paper(or finger to keyboard) does.

For the scripturient tendencies within you,
those moments when the words flow freely and wipe out any other thing in the world except that message you  so desperately need to convey.
For the zombie you have been known to become; oblivious of all else except the vast universe your mind begs you to explore with the sentences you keep stringing.

For that empty feeling when the sentences string themselves into a complete story.
The writer’s hangover.
That hollowness because after giving a piece your all you feel drained:
mentally, emotionally, possibly physically.
And that lingering blank space where you ask yourself,
‘so what next?’

This is for you who sneaks to the bathroom at the most awkward of times and hate to admit publicly that it is while taking a dump that some of your greatest stories have been crafted.
For those sneaky sneaky writing habits that remind you of those sneaky sneaky habits other substance abusers have.
For those moments your style of expression has had you questioning your sanity.

But this poem is also for you if you are suffering from withdrawal symptoms.
The tormentous mental  torture of writer’s block.
When you crave to reach that peak but the words refuse to take you there because they just wont allow themselves to find you this time.
Fear not,
because in the dead of the night, they will whisk you away and you will find yourself unable to stop writing them down and when it is over, Armstrong will have nothing on you in terms of achievement because that masterpiece you create feels like the ultimate.

Sometimes the craft may even give you a high that will have you hallucinating.
So this is also for you if you may or may not have practiced your Pullitzer Price Acceptance Speech in the mirror a few thousand times.
Or if you already have a secret Pinterest board titled Caine Prize Winner Gala Outfit Ideas.
Or you already know what tropical island vacation you will spend your Nobel Prize Cash Award on.
And it is particularly for you if you know your friends and family will disown you if you ever shared the above fantasies with them but you still dare to have them anyway.

So this is for the day-dreamers
Whose dreams live a little everytime they write them down.
For the artistic misfits who know not many understand their craft but keep writing anyway.
For the introverts whose multiple personalities are revealed with every beautifully structured sentence strung together.
For the sanguine yet silent sapiosexuals whose immense intellect comes to play when they stare at a blank page.

This poem is for weirdos like me- writers with wandering minds that are only found behind walls painted white with black characters.

May the wells of words in our pens never run dry.

I Pray For You

I hate thinking about it,
And I am not even the one that had to live it.
I hate seeing and reading about it
Yet I am not the one that will remain scarred for life by it.
I hate acknowledging that it happened,
Yet I was not even there.

I hate having sketchy nightmares about it
Yet I have not a single clue what it felt like. 

See, to me it is just a scary reality show, 

whose edited highlights I watched from the comfort of my couch.
To you it was what you lived through. Your truth.

I can always change the channel and pretend it never happened.
You do not have that luxury.
Your eyes forever burned with the gory images of death, fear… evil.

I can cover my ears every time they talk about it around me.
Your ears do not have that option.
They keep ringing from the deafening shots, the dying screams, the piercing silence of destruction.

I am selfish.
I am so sorry but I am.
I think that the fleeting fear I feel every time they talk about you and what you went through matters.
I only view this situation in terms of how it affects me.
I only think of my future, my dreams, my life.

But the truth is, what I feel can never compare to what you lived through.

I close my eyes in the comfort of my bed and when I cannot bear the images in my sub-concious, I can always wake up,watch a happy video, pretend it never happened.

This can never be compared to the horrid reality you lived through.

The past cannot be fixed.
No amount of transferring you to better institutions and constant hugs can make you feel better.
They can secure the future,
but the thing about living is how we have this tendency to live in the malignant shadow of pain felt in the past.

The word for this is ‘haunted’.

You are scarred.

And for tonight, I will take a minute to remember that.
Tonight I fully acknowledge you.
Whoever you are.
Wherever you are.
Whatever your story is.

Today I dedicate my torrent of tears to you.
Tonight when I kneel, I will forget all my spoilt young female melodrama and just think about you.
I will tell God about you.
When I am begging Jesus to fix it,
I will plead that He fixes it for you.
Tonight, I finally understand how and why you matter.
So tonight, I want my knees to ache
because I knelt and prayed for you.

#147isnotjustanumber

Sisterhood of the Bloggers Award TAG

I really do not have much time to write this. Honestly, I have a CAT to read for and an anthology to compile and I need to get home but because when duty calls you obey, here I am. So please bear with any typos.

Let me first start by telling you about the most beautiful feeling in the world: appreciation.
Just think about what it feels like to be told a simple “thank you, you are awesome”. That magical feeling  you get when somebody takes a minute to recognize the awesomeness you bring into the world. I don’t know which compliments make you feel amazing but mine come in the form of the recognition of my writing. Like, that feeling when somebody looks at something I wrote and acknowledges it. I love that.

As a blogger and writer, I also believe in passing that high to other people and with that let me begin.

This beautiful internet has decided to appreciate we beautiful female bloggers and I definitely want to be a part of this.
So, I was nominated by +tesh imani and here goes a few randomly answered questions in celebration of this lovely Sisterhood of World Bloggers Award.

But before I go on I would like to nominate the following females who I think are doing great with their writing and the world should watch out for them;

+Kanyiri Laiboni of  Space Cadet Theories and Musings
+Michelle Moxie of The African Girl
 +Shasha Rshan of Beauty for Broke Girls,
 +The Lordess of the amazing style and beauty blog  thelordess.blogspot.com Enid of mwayulienid.com and lastly,
 Viqq of humanbeingforequality.wordpress.com because her mind is a work of art.

Oh and once nominated just copy the questions below, answer them in your own beautiful way and nominate bloggers who you celebrate as well.

So here goes

1. If you could be any animal, what would you be and why?
 Any feline, probably a Lion because obviously I am a Leo. However, I think lions and all cats are just beings of wonder. First of all their beauty and also their hunting prowess is just amazing. I sure would not mind living my life at the top of the food chain.

2. What legacy would you like to leave behind?
I would love to be a soft memory who impacted the world by having a clean heart and showing that there is more to life than negativity. I want the world to be a place where people love each other a little more and show it in their unique ways just because my life was filled with the same kind of energy.
I want the world to be a place where art is celebrated by everyone because beauty is universal and it is in everyone and everything.

 3. Name one thing you love about yourself, why?
My creativity, just because it is the one thing I learnt about myself at a very young age. My ability to be a great writer/poet is what makes me unique and gives me a million reasons to fall in love with myself everytime I look in the mirror.

4. What would you like to change about yourself or improve on?
Coming from someone who has had her fair share of self esteem issues growing up, you would expect this list to be lengthy but right now I am starting to accept myself the way I am. BUT! If I was to think about it hard enough I’d say I am not the most patient of people, I wish I wasn’t. And also I am working on warming up to people more.

5. If you could fly for a day, where would you go?
Sydney in the Summer. Because I was there once and I fell in love with the sun and the sea and life and I would do anything to get that good feeling again.

6. If you could have supernatural abilities what would it/they be?
I am tempted to pass on this because I am not big on the supernatural.
However, the ability to go back in time seems very appealing to me right now.

7. Where would you like to live? Why?
Somewhere where the sun shines almost every day. Like in a tropical island without the tropical creepy crawlies 😉

8. If you could meet anyone, who would it be? {past, present, future}

Past- my dad, just to talk to him and feel like his little girl again.
Present- Fashion Blogger Sharon Mundia because I admire all that she has achieved just by following her passion.
Future- My future teenage daughter, just to see how she would turn out.

9. Why do you blog?
Because Meg=Writing and I feel happy when I write.
Because God gave me a talent and I feel bad wasting it.
Because writing is what makes me awesome.

10.Would you consider yourself happy?

Not yet.
But I am learning acceptance and to love myself a little more so I can confidently say I am in the pursuit of it.

Thanks for reading and to my nominees please tag me, I would love to read them.

Are We The Righteous Ones?

Guess who is back?

Well I would go into the details of why I haven’t posted in a while but that shall be saved for another post.

Today I speak on a matter that is trending all over the 254.
A matter that has struck a serious nerve.

Dressing.
Actually indecent dressing and women’s rights to dress or not dress indecently.
Please note that the term indecent is used very lightly because:

1. It is very subjective
2. It is very very subjective
3. It is very very very subjective.

Let’s make one thing clear. I am very liberal minded sometimes I even question myself. I love the arts and I am a business student.
I admire people covered in piercings and tattoos just as much as I admire some conservatives who have accomplished some great things.
Most of all I believe at the end of the day everyone should have the right to be themselves.Whatever that means to them. Also I sincerely believe that everybody has the reasons why they do what they do and it is certainly not in my place to judge a fellow mortal just because they sin a little differently than I do.
Sure I may not always agree with what everyone does but I try my best not to condemn others because I’m not the saint. Actually no one is.

That said, here is the thing. I come from a generally conservative family. We avoid super goth piercings and wearing very haute couture fashion which no one really understands because they are just so different.  We are ourselves, we just like to keep it simple. That’s why I save my ridiculously bold red lips and layers upon layers of very blingy jewellery for occasions that are not family gatherings because well, we just are that way. Not that if I ever did some Kim K contouring and layered on my favourite red lippie they would put a wet cloth to my face faster than I can say Kardashian or ban me from being one of their own. Just that it wouldn’t feel right. At least in the presence of the elder ones.
I love a nice short skater dress just like the next girl but I know better than to wear it when I am going to visit my grandparents. Why? Like I said. We just don’t do that.
But if on one occassion I did happen to forget that and wore one do I fear that they would tear it off me? Not exactly. Certainly they would sit me down immediately and give me a heart to heart and offer me a shawl to wrap myself in.
But not publicly humiliate me or violate me in any way.

One thing I know about where I’m from, we are Christians and we believe in correcting with love not in a manner that undermines my dignity as a person. They correct in a way that will help me understand that at the end of the day it is for my benefit not to fulfil their malicious intentions.

Now that that is out of the way let’s talk business.

Rule number One:

My dressing is my BUSINESS.Period.

I believe in dressing to impress but the number one person on the impress list is ME.  That means if I wear my pyjamas to the supermarket, I am doing it for me. If I spend a lot on a fancy maxi dress for a wedding full of people I do not even know or who do not even know me, I am doing it for me. If I am feeling some ‘typa’ way and wear the most androgynous, menswear inspired pair of Khakis and blazer I own, I am doing it for ME. If I wear that body con midi pencil skirt that brings out curves I wish I had, I am doing it for ME.
Not you. Not us. Not them. But ME.

If YOU who is not ME feel so offended by my way of dressing either perhaps it is too conservative (if you are a liberal) or you think I am being too inappropriate (if you are an extreme conservative) quite frankly, you can keep it to yourself. Because I understand every one has a right to an opinion. Just do not freaking shove it in my face unless you have good reason.

And if at all you feel something must be done about it then fine, show me the error in my ways. Maybe I might learn a thing from you. At the end of the day man is a very visual being. That’s why I will certainly trust a shop attendant who is looking like something out of a magazine to tell me which skirt makes me look good than I would some one who is looking like they just walked out of bed. I am not vain. It’s human nature. Hate me if you want to. It’s the truth. We are visual. We want the outside to match what we aspire for in the inside and we are more than elated when we find someone who has done the same.

Back to my point: do not freaking humiliate me in the name of trying to get me to see your point.

Like I said my dressing is for ME. Not You or Us or Them.
That means if you think there is anything wrong with how I dress then correct me in a way that benefits ME.
Not a way that benefits you or them.
But ME.

I heard a male lawyer comment on this issue on the radio and he imagined a scenario where a strict dress code existed in court. If one day he showed up wearing something inappropriate, his superiors would certainly not strip him just because he broke the code. They would remind him of the code and send him home to change because the dress code benefits him and his corporate image.

I totally agree with him. I attend a university that abides by a strict dress code. Fortunately or not I am about 5ft 8, quite tall for my age. That basically means what would be appear as mid length on the average female on me would be knee length or end just above the knee. In my school, anything above the knee is unacceptable. Many at times I have found myself on the wrong because of this but do the dress code assistants strip me just because I broke a rule? Certainly not. They just  send me home to change and with time I have learnt to tow the line.
They correct me in a way that has benefit me because now I know not to wear that skirt that rises too high when I walk
especially on crucial days when I have exams etc. And well I do believe with time I have learnt to portray a good corporate image which matches the career ambitions I have.

We learn by experience and correction.
I have no qualms if you offer me dressing advice that will help me learn.
But find a damn hobby if you will whisper behind my back or humiliate me or any other person just because you hate how I dress. Seriously.  Destructive criticism is that shit that makes aliens think we are retarded.

And now I unapologetically take shots at those who believe in stripping down women just because they believe they are ‘indecently’ dressed.

I do not know how the victim was dressed so I refuse to make a comment on that bit about whether she was right or wrong.

What I will throw shade on is the very idea let alone act of humiliating her to prove a point.

So to the females who didn’t bother to cover her up before and cheered on, do not call yourself a sister. Sisters look out for each other. A real sister should have called her aside and covered her up before these guys had a chance to prey on her shame. I certainly know of random females who have helped me out of potentially embarrassing girl moments so none of this ‘it’s a stranger so I will not care B.S.’
If you felt too scared to help because I know mobs can be evil, walk away. Do not freaking encourage them.

To those that did that act. I could bring up the idea of night clubs and side chics and expose your hypocrisy but I will not. All I will say is shame on you. How would you like it if that was your sister or daughter? You might say well you would never let them walk out the house that way but really we all know that is not true. Even you know better than to get in the way of a woman set on her ways. So get off that high horse and man up. You could have told her to go back home or given her your coat. That is only and only if you believe her not wearing that clothing item which seemed inappropriate would have been a better decision for HER not a better decision for YOU or YOUR hormones.

To everyone, me included, who at one point has judged another for their mode of dressing whether you thought it too inappropriate or too -dare I say- grandma-ish’ let us ask for forgiveness.

I mean are we the righteous ones? Are we? I bring back my earlier point of not judging people just because they sin a little different from us.
Always remember these words…

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.

https://secure.avaaz.org/en/petition/Hon_Rachel_Shbesh_Ensure_that_such_violation_of_fellow_human_beings_are_not_tolerated/edit/

Of Personal Space and Problems only Melancholics Understand

Remember that time before your parent brought home your younger sibling and you were all excited only to go all ‘what the fishcakes was I thinking’ a few months later? Yes?

Good.

Because after 21 years I finally relate to what you are feeling.

No, my mama dearest is not bringing home a tiny screaming baby so all of you who know my family can keep your ducks in a row.

But. I am faced with the prospect of needing to open the high steel gates of my personal space so as to take in a guest who may just be cohabiting with me for a while.

And yes, I am terrified. Very terrified.

Why? Before you go calling me a mean little brat, understand one thing. I am that kid who had her own room from the time she was 8. Seeing as my only sibling is much much older and I grew up in a suburb sort of in the middle of nowhere overlooking the majestic Ngong Hills without many kids my age to interact with at home, I sort of morphed into the typical melancholic. I can be super moody, like I go from happy to dull in less than 0.5 seconds and at times I am the annoying perfectionist especially when it comes to matters I am confident of my knowledge in. I am terribly choosy and sometimes it is difficult to please me. Infact my reputation could be summarized in one word ‘bitch’ if I hadnt learnt to be quiet if I can’t say anything nice and if I didn’t like being sweet to people.Most importantly however, I am not a people person. At all.  Like the typical mel, new people sort of drain my energy. In fact I would rather be in my warm bed in pyjamas and messy hair than out in the world. If I am to ‘do people’ they have to be those chosen few who have seen me at my sweetest,ratchet-est (because every girl has that side) and brattiest and still insist on associating with me-aka my ride or dies.

So you can only imagine how I feel about home. My lair. It is where I re-energize because it is in this place that I escape all the insanity that is out there. It is at home where I can roam in over size pyjamas, go all Beyonce in front of the mirror and just chill. And the number one reason I love home? The fact that I get to enjoy lots of personal space without worrying about stepping on the toes of someone else because as much as people drain me, I do hate conflict. And this whole story of inviting a stranger just gives me shivers because typical melancholics need a ‘no new friends’ environment to be lazy and get their creative juices flowing. FYI if suddenly I become dormant, just know it might be because I have no lair where my body and energy feels free. Also that explains how my home situation should be of concern to you dear reader.

On to another point. The funny thing is I always had this fantasy about having a mini me. Someone around to sort of mentor and keep from making the same mistakes I made. In fact so strong was my desire I had sort of tried being on the lookout for a nice little random younger friend who seemed open to being friends with this mess here. But when I got wind of this idea of having a stranger co-habit with us for a while, I went all like, why was I praying for this??

I don’t know maybe it is just me who is majorly over-thinking this but I am so not f……ng ready to be a role model. Literally I am this beautiful mess and I can’t imagine myself taking the role of showing someone the ropes of how to or not to live. Like I can barely keep it together myself, I can’t bear the thought of having someone watching trying to learn a thing or two from me;if at all there is anything worth emulating.  I am the typical last born, I delight in imperfection(hence the reason I showed how not flawless I am in an earlier paragraph). I believe the whole role model thing is for the leaders… The older siblings. Not me. I am that one that was born to do something dumb yet awesome that would make the parent console themselves that at least they have one good kid. That is until they realize how amazing and out of the box my path is. And being a role model is for the leaders, not the followers.

After all this venting though, I know that at the end of the day, I can’t run away from life. And maybe it was planned that at a time when M just wants to hide from the world, life would happen and she would have to open up the doors and accommodate a beautiful stranger. So I will try to put my melancholic fears away and just see where all this will take me.

Is there anyone out there who has similar melancholic type problems? It would be nice to know I am not alone. Or just plain weird.

Being in Your Twenties

This has to be the post which I wrote the fastest, thank God for the command copy+paste.
Anyway as I have too often mentioned, I am 20 and accepting that fact has been the hardest thing of my life because of the sudden reality that I am becoming a woman and the proverbial ‘rest of my life’ is now here and it’s time to make real choices.
I admit it hasn’t been easy and my mind is like this warzone with so much going on.
I thought I was alone until I came across this post on This is Ess which I could totally relate to because it described a lot of how I am feeling.  So with the necessary permissions I decided to reblog it because I feel it could touch the hearts of a few more people and perhaps encourage them.

Oh and it was originally created by Sheila Shiru.

BEING IN YOUR TWENTIES….

Being in your twenties…

It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start
realizing that there are many things about yourself that
you didn’t know and may not like.You start feeling
insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two,
but then get scared because you barely know where you
are now.

You start realizing that people are selfish and that,
maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close
to aren’t exactly the greatest people you have ever met,
and the people you have lost touch with are some of the
most important ones. What you don’t recognize is that
they are realizing that too, and aren’t really cold, catty,
mean or insincere, but that they are as confused as you.

You look at your job… and it is not even close to what
you thought you would be doing, or maybe you are
looking for a job and realizing that you are going to have
to start at the bottom and that scares you. Your opinions
have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and
find yourself judging more than usual because suddenly
you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life
and are constantly adding things to your list of what is
acceptable and what isn’t. One minute, you are insecure
and then the next, secure.

You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You
feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly, change is
the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear
life, but soon realize that the past is drifting further and
further away, and there is nothing to do but stay where
you are or move forward.

You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you
loved could do such damage to you. Or you lie in bed and
wonder why you can’t meet anyone decent enough that
you want to get to know better. Or maybe you love
someone but love someone else too and cannot figure out
why you’re doing this because you know that you aren’t a
bad person. You want to settle down for good because
now all of a sudden that becomes top priority. Getting
wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic.You
begin to think a companion for life is better than a
hundred in the shack and for once you would not mind
standing tall for that special someone which otherwise
you had never thought of until now.

You go through the same emotions and questions over
and over, and talk with your friends about the same topics
because you cannot seem to make a decision. You worry
about loans, money, the future and making a life for
yourself… and while winning the race would be great,
right now you’d just like to be a contender!

What you may not realize is that every one reading this
relates to it.We are in our best of times and our worst of
times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing
out. 

We call it the “Quarter-life Crisis”.

– See more at: http://www.thisisess.com/2013/08/being-in-your-twenties.html#sthash.dIcUiKfG.dpuf

Being in your twenties

It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start
realizing that there are many things about yourself that
you didn’t know and may not like.You start feeling
insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two,
but then get scared because you barely know where you
are now.

You start realizing that people are selfish and that,
maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close
to aren’t exactly the greatest people you have ever met,
and the people you have lost touch with are some of the
most important ones. What you don’t recognize is that
they are realizing that too, and aren’t really cold, catty,
mean or insincere, but that they are as confused as you.

You look at your job… and it is not even close to what
you thought you would be doing, or maybe you are
looking for a job and realizing that you are going to have
to start at the bottom and that scares you. Your opinions
have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and
find yourself judging more than usual because suddenly
you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life
and are constantly adding things to your list of what is
acceptable and what isn’t. One minute, you are insecure
and then the next, secure.

You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You
feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly, change is
the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear
life, but soon realize that the past is drifting further and
further away, and there is nothing to do but stay where
you are or move forward.

You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you
loved could do such damage to you. Or you lie in bed and
wonder why you can’t meet anyone decent enough that
you want to get to know better. Or maybe you love
someone but love someone else too and cannot figure out
why you’re doing this because you know that you aren’t a
bad person. You want to settle down for good because
now all of a sudden that becomes top priority. Getting
wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic.You
begin to think a companion for life is better than a
hundred in the shack and for once you would not mind
standing tall for that special someone which otherwise
you had never thought of until now.

You go through the same emotions and questions over
and over, and talk with your friends about the same topics
because you cannot seem to make a decision. You worry
about loans, money, the future and making a life for
yourself… and while winning the race would be great,
right now you’d just like to be a contender!

What you may not realize is that every one reading this
relates to it.We are in our best of times and our worst of
times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing
out. 

We call it the “Quarter-life Crisis”.

…One minute, you are insecure and then the next, secure…

Happy weekend everyone.

xoxo

Being in your twenties…

It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start
realizing that there are many things about yourself that
you didn’t know and may not like.You start feeling
insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two,
but then get scared because you barely know where you
are now.

You start realizing that people are selfish and that,
maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close
to aren’t exactly the greatest people you have ever met,
and the people you have lost touch with are some of the
most important ones. What you don’t recognize is that
they are realizing that too, and aren’t really cold, catty,
mean or insincere, but that they are as confused as you.

You look at your job… and it is not even close to what
you thought you would be doing, or maybe you are
looking for a job and realizing that you are going to have
to start at the bottom and that scares you. Your opinions
have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and
find yourself judging more than usual because suddenly
you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life
and are constantly adding things to your list of what is
acceptable and what isn’t. One minute, you are insecure
and then the next, secure.

You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You
feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly, change is
the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear
life, but soon realize that the past is drifting further and
further away, and there is nothing to do but stay where
you are or move forward.

You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you
loved could do such damage to you. Or you lie in bed and
wonder why you can’t meet anyone decent enough that
you want to get to know better. Or maybe you love
someone but love someone else too and cannot figure out
why you’re doing this because you know that you aren’t a
bad person. You want to settle down for good because
now all of a sudden that becomes top priority. Getting
wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic.You
begin to think a companion for life is better than a
hundred in the shack and for once you would not mind
standing tall for that special someone which otherwise
you had never thought of until now.

You go through the same emotions and questions over
and over, and talk with your friends about the same topics
because you cannot seem to make a decision. You worry
about loans, money, the future and making a life for
yourself… and while winning the race would be great,
right now you’d just like to be a contender!

What you may not realize is that every one reading this
relates to it.We are in our best of times and our worst of
times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing
out. 

We call it the “Quarter-life Crisis”.

– See more at: http://www.thisisess.com/2013/08/being-in-your-twenties.html#sthash.dIcUiKfG.dpuf

Being in your twenties…

It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start
realizing that there are many things about yourself that
you didn’t know and may not like.You start feeling
insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two,
but then get scared because you barely know where you
are now.

You start realizing that people are selfish and that,
maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close
to aren’t exactly the greatest people you have ever met,
and the people you have lost touch with are some of the
most important ones. What you don’t recognize is that
they are realizing that too, and aren’t really cold, catty,
mean or insincere, but that they are as confused as you.

You look at your job… and it is not even close to what
you thought you would be doing, or maybe you are
looking for a job and realizing that you are going to have
to start at the bottom and that scares you. Your opinions
have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and
find yourself judging more than usual because suddenly
you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life
and are constantly adding things to your list of what is
acceptable and what isn’t. One minute, you are insecure
and then the next, secure.

You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You
feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly, change is
the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear
life, but soon realize that the past is drifting further and
further away, and there is nothing to do but stay where
you are or move forward.

You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you
loved could do such damage to you. Or you lie in bed and
wonder why you can’t meet anyone decent enough that
you want to get to know better. Or maybe you love
someone but love someone else too and cannot figure out
why you’re doing this because you know that you aren’t a
bad person. You want to settle down for good because
now all of a sudden that becomes top priority. Getting
wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic.You
begin to think a companion for life is better than a
hundred in the shack and for once you would not mind
standing tall for that special someone which otherwise
you had never thought of until now.

You go through the same emotions and questions over
and over, and talk with your friends about the same topics
because you cannot seem to make a decision. You worry
about loans, money, the future and making a life for
yourself… and while winning the race would be great,
right now you’d just like to be a contender!

What you may not realize is that every one reading this
relates to it.We are in our best of times and our worst of
times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing
out. 

We call it the “Quarter-life Crisis”.

– See more at: http://www.thisisess.com/2013/08/being-in-your-twenties.html#sthash.dIcUiKfG.dpuf

Being in your twenties…

It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start
realizing that there are many things about yourself that
you didn’t know and may not like.You start feeling
insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two,
but then get scared because you barely know where you
are now.

You start realizing that people are selfish and that,
maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close
to aren’t exactly the greatest people you have ever met,
and the people you have lost touch with are some of the
most important ones. What you don’t recognize is that
they are realizing that too, and aren’t really cold, catty,
mean or insincere, but that they are as confused as you.

You look at your job… and it is not even close to what
you thought you would be doing, or maybe you are
looking for a job and realizing that you are going to have
to start at the bottom and that scares you. Your opinions
have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and
find yourself judging more than usual because suddenly
you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life
and are constantly adding things to your list of what is
acceptable and what isn’t. One minute, you are insecure
and then the next, secure.

You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You
feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly, change is
the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear
life, but soon realize that the past is drifting further and
further away, and there is nothing to do but stay where
you are or move forward.

You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you
loved could do such damage to you. Or you lie in bed and
wonder why you can’t meet anyone decent enough that
you want to get to know better. Or maybe you love
someone but love someone else too and cannot figure out
why you’re doing this because you know that you aren’t a
bad person. You want to settle down for good because
now all of a sudden that becomes top priority. Getting
wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic.You
begin to think a companion for life is better than a
hundred in the shack and for once you would not mind
standing tall for that special someone which otherwise
you had never thought of until now.

You go through the same emotions and questions over
and over, and talk with your friends about the same topics
because you cannot seem to make a decision. You worry
about loans, money, the future and making a life for
yourself… and while winning the race would be great,
right now you’d just like to be a contender!

What you may not realize is that every one reading this
relates to it.We are in our best of times and our worst of
times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing
out. 

We call it the “Quarter-life Crisis”.

– See more at: http://www.thisisess.com/2013/08/being-in-your-twenties.html#sthash.dIcUiKfG.dpuf

TAKING STOCK

I have seen this template on a lot of blogs such as on Mumbi Shokey’s blog and often on This is Ess and I like them because they kind of give glimpses into people’s personalities which is cool. So here goes mine. Enjoy it…

Making: A simple beauty and style regime that I intend to maintain when I go back to school next sem because looking and feeling great always has a way of making you have a more productive day.

Cooking: Nothing much because I am lazy like that :-D. Though I did burn a finger making these potato stuffed chapatis last night. I am not a fan of too much chapati but I love potatoes and adding them to chapati takes the taste to a whole new level.

Drinking:Warm water because it is so cold outside. And tea because they serve a lot of it where I intern.

Reading:The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants: Forever in Blue. The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants series was like my survival guide as a teen and even now there are a lot of simple lessons I still learn from it. However I never got to finishing the series and I finally downloaded the last installment. This book is just so heartwarming.

Wanting: Red Lip Stick. A lot of it. Mac Ruby Woo anybody?? And a new phone. Specifically the 5.8 inch one my mama has.

Playing: Right now nothing but I have been listening to a lot of Jhene Aiko lately. Especially this track July with Drake. Such a nice song and the fact that it happens to be cold makes the song the perfect one to sing along to as I walk in the rain.

Deciding:What I’ll wear tomorrow. I never stop thinking about that. And also what I want to major in back in Campus.

Wishing: Tribalism would just end in this country. I hate it and it’s everywhere. We need to start viewing ourselves more as #tribeKenya because at the end of it all we are one people.

Enjoying:  This cute little body spray: Charms Life from Dear Body. It smells so sweet and has this vanilla undertone that I simply looooove. And my Flormar lip-gloss in shade L407 which is so red and bold and super long lasting. Best buy of 2014 and yes  I know I am not like a style/beauty blogger but  I am a huuge lip-gloss/ lip-balm junkie and when I find a life changing one… the world shall know about it!!.

Waiting: For the next two weeks to end so I can finally get time to go to buy series from my DVD guy and indulge in my favorite pastime of watching meaningless reality television i.e. Love and Hip Hop!!!! I am yet to watch LHHATL season 3 and the complete 4th season of the New York one but from what I’ve been reading online the drama is like even more so I can’t wait!!

However, I will start watching meaningful TV. Someday.

Wondering: I don’t know. I think about a lot so I can’t point out one distinct thought.

Loving: All the people who do these random little things that put a smile on my face like leave a sweet comment whenever I share a post on my social media pages or give a lift on a rainy day or give compliments. I am all about little acts of kindness and I do appreciate the love.

Considering: The possibility that I should reconsider my career choices. Been thinking about that a lot lately.

Watching: The Regular Show. This cartoon is too too dumb. Always makes me smile after a long day.

Hoping: That the situation in this country shall get better and that in my lifetime I shall get the courage to be the change I want to see.

Marvelling :At how stylish Kenyans are. I am following like a looooooot of Kenyan style and beauty bloggers and I just love how Kenyans Kill it.

Wearing: A lot more boots because of the cold weather. In fact today I have a pair on and a red dress which I am starting to think is a bit short and not as suitable for the work place as I’d want it to be. Ooops!

Red dress and boots to work, yay or nay? The picture quality is the reason I need a new phone or DSLR:(

Following: Hmmm… anyone and everyone’s blog just as long as there is anything beautiful on it… I am however exploring Sharon’s You Tube Channel that is pretty amaze-balls. The father’s day tribute video was so sweet it almost made me cry.

Knowing: That the week is over… Yaaaay. The weekend has been missed.

Thinking: Of ways to increase traffic to this blog. I am proud of it and it’s time to share my mind with the world.

Feeling: Happier. Because lately I’ve realized every day is a gift too precious to waste on being anything but happy and grateful.

Admiring: I know this is crazy but The Matatus that ply my route. Kenyans know how to get creative and they are these recent ones that have been pimped so nicely, they are actually a joy to look at and ride in. Go creative Kenyans!

Sorting: umm pass…

Buying: Lip Gloss and internet bundles. It sucks not having WiFi at home 😦

Bookmarking: Dear Doris. The author of this blog just has a style of writing that makes me laugh and go all WTF?! That to me is the definition of something interesting. Read it.

Giggling: Because of these Kermit the frog memes that are all over Instagram. People are just cray!
But that’s none of my business lol.

Helping: People out at work.  I love being able to assist these guys any chance I get.

P.S
Feel free to drop a link if you have used this template before. I love discovering new blogs